Lost, Gracefully Found

Reaching for the edge of the bed to carefully lower my sore body brought another flood of tears.  

Lost.  

The word brought such deep hurt to the surface.  My mind wandered back to just three weeks prior, where with great trepidation my husband and I opened the envelope from the testing center.  Joy was immediate once we saw the word positive splashed across the page.  A second child would be in our arms in 8 months.  

Strangely empty.  Where a beautiful sapphire ring once graced my finger, there was now nothing.  Somehow in the rush to enter the emergency room and shuffle of belongings, the ring was lost.  There was that word again.  

Lost.  

The loss of a baby and the loss of a loving gift from my husband brought me to a dark depth of emotional fragility.  

Jesus shared a set of three parables where the word lost was repeated.  Luke 15 records these stories for us.  The first speaks of a lost sheep, the second tells of a lost coin, and the third explains about a lost son.  Loss is tangible to each one: the shepherd, the woman, and the father.  The awareness of an oversight, organizational tactics gone wrong, and a hard-hearted child are disappointments woven through the parable.  The degree of loss is distinct, yet in every respect the hollow feeling is mightily present. 

A strong desire to recover what was lost drove them to make choices.  The shepherd left his 99 sheep in a safe location in order to risk it all to find the one wandering lost sheep.  The woman searched in a diligent manner throughout her house, sweeping and cleaning until she found the one lost coin.  The father stood gazing at the horizon every day hoping his son would repent and return, until one day he did.  

I wish I could give testimony of how my loss brought a sensitive spirit of conviction and wise choices to move forward in obedience to God.  But I cannot.  Instead, I dug in my heels and demanded God look at all the good I had accomplished.  Self-centered determination only brought years of frustration.  

One afternoon while sitting on the back porch with a completely broken heart, my husband softly questioned, “What is the root of your sadness?”  A simple question, but the answer seemed frightening to reveal.  Friends were easily getting pregnant and having big families.  I wanted one.  Jealousy consumed my heart.  Couples we knew were advancing in their careers and purchasing homes.  I wanted to be like them.  Envious thoughts controlled my mind.  Spending years focusing on my losses only led to misguided expectations and to sinful reactions.  God answered me with simple words I had memorized in my youth, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9a ESV) As the shepherd put the lost sheep on his shoulders, as the woman held the coin in her hand, and as the father embraced his lost son, God’s great mercy gently found me.

Tax collectors and sinners gathered around Jesus as he told the three parables.  They understood disappointment, sadness and loss more than others in the community.  While law-driven Pharisees listened in with judgmental spirits void of grace.   Jesus closes the parables with beautiful words which cannot be overlooked.  The shepherd, the woman, and the father all said “Rejoice with me, for I have found…” that which was lost (Luke 15:6, 9, 24 ESV). Lost becomes found.  An eruption of heart felt joy turns into a full-blown celebration, which in turn demanded others around to participate in the happy moment.  Jesus makes a shocking final statement after each story about an uncontainable joy in heaven when a lost person repents from their sin.  The contentment of finding a lost sheep, the breath of fresh air after finding a valuable lost item or the joy of holding your lost child in your arms once again does not even come close to the amount of cheering, fire-work explosions, loud music and hoopla in heaven when a heart chooses to admit wrong-doing and forgiveness is found.  The Pharisees were blinded to this message while the tax collectors and sinners discovered hope. 

A small women’s Bible study was a safe place for me.  Here I admitted my shortcomings, recognized my sin and made a conscious decision to be more like the shepherd, widow and father in search for what holds great value.  The undeniable truth of God’s forgiveness turned my painful losses into eternal life lessons.  These precious sisters rejoiced with me as a clear understanding of lost and found penetrated our hopeful hearts. 

Thoughts can swirl in a thousand directions.  Breathing can seem overwhelming.  Life can seem to pass by in slow motion.  The initial impact of loss is real.  What follows is a choice.  The Bible is dotted with examples of men and women who felt deep pain in the midst of losing something of great value.  Their life choices are clear proof that when eyes are focused on a relationship with God, hope is found.  When Paul and Silas lost everything, they sang from the jail cell (Acts 16:16-39).  When Daniel lost his job, he prayed from the lion’s den (Daniel 6). When Hannah lost her place in Jewish society as a woman without children, she went to God’s house to pour out her soul (I Samuel 1&2).  When Ezekiel lost his country, he chose to speak God’s truth to those in exile (Ezekiel 3:10-11). 

Quietly closing the door to our son’s room, I let out a long breath for the first time in 9 years.  God was gracious to our family when the feeling of “found” came in the form of a little boy with beautiful chocolate-colored eyes.  The hurt of 5 losses faded a little bit more that day.  My husband gave me another sapphire ring to replace the lost one and I think I like this one even more.  Recently I looked down at the ring on my right hand and noticed a small diamond was missing from the arrangement of stones.  Through a small miracle, I found the diamond, but part of me does not want to send it to the jewelers to be fixed.  Maybe I need a ring representing loss, so I will remember how precious it is to be gracefully found.

Do you feel lost and desire to be found?

Lean in…let grace find you.